Don't Beat Yourself Up

DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP; ADVICES FOR A NEW MOM 

“You are a mother; you must love your kid more than anything else in life.”
“You are a mother, your kid must be your first and foremost priority in life.”
“You are a mother; you must forget everything else other than your kid.” The list is a long one.

Till a few months back, you was a person. You had your own life, your own goals, your own set of priorities, but suddenly you are expected to forget all that and take care of your little “bundle of joy” that hardly seems joy to you, at least in the beginning.
“Am I a bad person?”
 “Am I abnormal if I don’t feel connected to my kid?”
“I must be a horrible woman.”
“I should never have given birth to another human being. I am not worthy enough.”
In very high probability these are the thoughts which will haunt your mind even if you are NOT suffering from post natal depression.

Anne Lamott writes in her book “bird by bird”, “a kid is the worst roommate you will ever find.” Imagine that you are extremely tired after feeding the kid the whole day (newborns have the habit of nibbling throughout the day), it is 2 a.m. in the morning. All you want is 3 hours of peaceful sleep but your kid is wide awake and won’t sleep no matter what. She will cry. You are the mother. You are supposed to comfort her, but you have no idea what on planet earth can sooth her. The father of the kid looks at you helplessly. He also is as clueless. You try everything. You give her medicine for stomach ache. You feed her again. You rock her in your arms. But she won’t stop. You feel really angry with the kid. Then you feel angry at yourself. I must have done something wrong. Don’t worry. You have not done anything wrong. It is possible that a new mother is NOT too much in love with her kid.

And here are the reasons- 
Why is it possible that a new mother is not madly in love with her kid?

• In all the other “new” relationships it is considered OK if a person takes time to know the other person. But as a mother you are supposed to love your kid from the first second. It might come naturally. But if you don’t feel that kind of love. It is OK. Give yourself time and the love will follow. 

• You might feel frustrated with your image. You are feeling fat. You want some time to be with yourself. You want to hit the gym to sweat the depression off. But the kid makes it impossible. 

• Gender of the baby. No matter what you claim, but you might have a hidden desire for the kid of a certain gender, a girl or a boy. If your kid is of another gender, it might feel frustrating for a few days, till you adjust to the fact that no matter what is the gender of the kid, now you have a beautiful life in your arms for you to love. 

What will add fuel in the fire?

•  Your mother and mother-in-law tell you stories of their great sacrifices. How they were such good mothers! How they knew everything! (Fact is they also learnt things gradually. Must be at where they are today because they have raised children.) 

•  If the baby is breastfed and if he/she is uncomfortable, it would always be projected as your fault. Baby is having stomach ache. You must have eaten something wrong. Baby is having cold. You must have done something wrong. 

•  People will give you thousands of unsolicited advises on what to eat, how to conduct yourself. Till yesterday, you were a smart adult, now you feel like someone who doesn’t know anything. 

What is the solution? 

• BONDING WILL TAKE TIME, SO GIVE THAT TIME- First and foremost keep in mind, that it is OK not to feel very connected to your new born. Just the way, your new born will take her own sweet time to connect to you; you have all the rights to take your time. Theoretically, you know this is your kid. You had carried her in your womb for 9 months; still it will take you some time to get comfortable around her. Give yourself that space. 

• FOLLOW ROUTINES, THEY WILL HELP- Routines will help you a lot in bonding with your newborn. Even if you don’t feel emotionally connected to her, the routines of feeding her, bathing her, giving her massages will help you to feel strongly for her. Moreover, these routines will help your newborn to bind with you. Once she gets attached to you and starts to give you her special smile of recognition, it wouldn’t take long for you to madly fall in love with her! 

• ASK FOR HELP, YOU ARE NOT ASKING OTHER PERSON’S KIDNEY- It is common for the new mother to feel scared to ask for help for 2 reasons. 1. You can’t trust other people with your kid. 2. You feel as a mother it is your duty to do everything for the kid. These are misconception; it’s OK that you are not able to trust your kid with everyone. But choose a small circle of people with whom you can trust your kid. Then start leaving the kid with them. The kid has to walk a long journey in the world. If you will behave paranoid all the time, you will have a tough time being a parent. Another thing, it is OK for the mother to delegate the work. Only because you are a mother doesn’t mean that you only have to do everything for the kid. 

• TAKE TIME TO UNDERSTAND KIDS GENERAL AND PARTICULAR- Read books, read magazines, browse internet, try to learn things about children. You might already have done all these things while you were pregnant. Now, try to understand the particular things about your kid. She is unique. She must have some habits which no book or magazine will be able to tell you. If you will give time and space, you will learn more and more things about her on your own. 

• “ME” HOUR- Take out at least one hour of the day when you are not allowed to be disturbed. You can do anything in this hour. You can read your favorite book. You can watch your favorite TV series. You can hang out with friends. Whatever gives you a sense of identity, it is OK to give yourself that space. You are giving 23 hours of your day to your kid. You have all the right to give an hour to yourself without feeling guilty. 

You can also choose to do what I am doing, sharing your experience with other new Moms. Your kid can be happy only when you are happy. So try to enjoy yourself in the role of a mother.

DEPRESSION IS PART OF GAME

First of all, I am not doing much exercise for past few days. I have a deadline. Not that I am working too hard for it, I just am thinking too much. There are days I feel awful. Today is one such day. Why am I sad? I don’t know. I think there are lots of things. But mainly it is because of Facebook. I keep adding people. I keep sending messages. No one initiates conversation with me. I am feeling lonely in cyber space. This is funny. I know. What does it has to do with my exercise? Nothing, exercise is not end of life. Weight is not end of life. I am fat. So what? There was a time when I was not so fat. There would be time when I will not be this fat. It is OK to be fat sometime in life. If you ask me what I am feeling this very moment, I am feeling pathetic. It’s weird. Why am I writing this blog? Why am I spreading more negative energy in the world? Is it not the space I have created to cheer fellow weight losers. I like the word. Weight losers… the kind of losers who are not losers! I don’t want to write. I don’t want to do anything right now. This is a bad day. I have not done any work in entire day. I am very anxious about a channel presentation.

Agrima is sleeping. She just fell asleep. My Mom put her to bed. My Mom is helping me a lot these days. She keeps Agrima most of the time so I can exercise, I can work and I can roam around. I have started to value my mother much more since I have become a mother. There are so many small things she does for me. I had started to appreciate these small things after marriage, but now that I am a mother, I feel much more appreciation for my Mom.

One good thing, I am keeping my diet in check. I eat 6-7 meals a day.
1- 1 banana, 10 dry fruits + tea (1/2 spoon sugar)[I want to cut down this tea]
2- Breakfast+ tea
3- Lunch
4- Sukha bhel+ 2 egg white+ tea
5- Fruit
6- Dinner
7- 1 cup milk with Bonvita
Today I had an extra cup of milk in the evening also.